Saturday, 15 September 2012

Practical Jobs for Movie Monsters



Got an axe wielding maniac that you just can’t get rid of no matter how many times you try? What about a ghost or demon that doesn’t really exist in the physical realm and you can’t destroy? Put those monsters to work! With Monster Job Monster: the job search engine for Monsters! We specialize in finding the perfect work opportunity for your pesky nuisance that is guaranteed to keep them not only preoccupied, but also allowing them to feel satisfied in their work. Here at Monster Job Monster, we work with each individual case to help find the perfect solution for everyone involved. Just look at some of our clients:

Case File: Michael Myers


Attributes: 
Can’t die; (even though he’s supposed to be just a regular human) ability to find people anywhere in the world even when under alias’ and/or disguises; able to travel great distances on foot while still appearing to just be walking.

Recommended Occupation: Bounty Hunter
As demonstrated throughout the Halloween series, Michael Myers is able to get to anyone. So why not use those skills to bring criminals to justice? Is there a highly violent serial murderer out on the loose? Not to worry! With his inability to be killed, Michael is your man. Say goodbye to cops being killed in the line of duty! Got a crime boss that skipped bail and fled to the Cayman Islands? Michael can find him in an inexplicably short amount of time.
Take that Dog the Bounty Hunter!
Possible downside to employment:   
There is the possibility that rather than just apprehending the suspect Michael may brutally murder him instead, plus all those all around him. But that could be a plus when realizing that Michael could not only eliminate your suspect but also all known accomplices. Just make sure you know for a fact your suspect is guilty.

Case File: Freddy Kruger


Attributes: 
Able to invade people’s dreams and manipulate them.

Recommended Occupation: Narcolepsy therapist
It can be really difficult when you are afflicted with narcolepsy. Trying to go about your day and then suddenly out of nowhere, you’re out like a light.  Using Freddy Kruger’s patented method he’ll make sure you never fall asleep unexpectedly again! Or ever for that matter! You’ll be so terrified to fall asleep that you’ll do anything to prevent it.
Think of all you can do in your new found time!

Possible downside to employment: 
Narcolepsy may turn into Insomnia; over treatment can and will result in death, usually by a horrific dream where you are murdered in an ironic fashion; being called “Bitch” a lot.
Best to have thick skin for this.

Case File: Samara


Attributes: 
Able to transport through any television; murder people regardless of their location; moderate phone communication skills.

Recommended Occupation: Executioner
Moral implications of the death penalty aside, it can be pretty costly to put criminals to death. Large electric bills, expensive gas and needles are one use only! So why not use a renewable resource with minimal equipment? Simply place the condemned in a room with a working television, VCR and phone. Insert the tape and have the condemned watch it. After the viewing he or she will get their notification that they life will terminate in 7 days. Then wait. On the 7th day, simply wheel that same television in their cell, (the television doesn’t even need to be plugged in!) and allow Samara to dispose of your criminal with minimum fuss. 
Justice has been served!
Did you security guard accidentally see the tape? Not to worry! Because by the tape’s own rules, showing the tape to someone else immediately exonerates you from the 7 day death agreement.

Possible downside to employment: 
Mild flooding.

Case File: Jason Voorhees


Attributes: 
Can’t die; (already dead) strong territorial and moral personality traits.

Recommended Occupation: Wildlife Reserve Ranger
While organizations like the WWF and PETA have come a long way in protecting animals, there are still many on the endangered list and poachers still exist. Wildlife reserves can’t have people everywhere; there will always be weak links for criminals to exploit them. Solution: Camp Crystal Lake Wildlife Reserve! Jason’s demonstrated skills have proven 100% effective in dealing with intruders on his territory. While it is true that there have been survivors from time to time, they sure as shit won’t be coming back to his camp again! Simply fill Crystal Lake with all endangered animals and just sit back as they thrive under the watchful eye of their silent protector! 
Pictured: Animal cruelty prevention

Jason could eventually become a spokesperson for PETA!

Most effective campaign ever!


Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Because I'm Batman! THAT'S why!


***Note: this post reveals plot points in the Dark Knight Trilogy movies so if you haven't seen these movies yet you should probably reexamine your life and ask yourself why you're alright with just throwing it down the drain by not seeing some damn good movies! You have been warned*** 

So if you ever met me you’ll know right off the bat that I love Batman. (hmm, unintentional pun in there) He’s awesome, there’s nothing Batman can’t do! NOTHING!
Recently he handed each and every other member of the Justice League their ass back to them with a big old Bat-bow right on top of it, THAT’S how awesome Batman is! I still believe to this day that the Batman Animated Series is the best carton I have ever watched. And for the longest time if you asked me what my favourite movie was I’d say Batman Returns. But then Joel Schumacher got his hands on it and everything went to shit. It was as if producers didn’t know that handing over the biggest badass hero of all time to a flaming homo would create any problems. 

So when, seven years ago, I heard that they were making a Batman reboot, (incidentally this was around the time when the term “reboot” first started being used, it was this film and The Hulk that sparked it. Basically they needed a euphemism to say “we fucked this franchise up so much that we’re just going to start again!” also known in the world of children as a do-over or a take-backsies. Then the rest of the studios just sat around and looked at each other and said themselves: “I didn’t know we could do that!” and immediately called every writer they knew to start writing newer versions of shitty movies they made! But I digress) I was understandably hesitant. You see I’ve already painfully learned my lesson about not trusting studios when they say “trust me, this one will bet better!” from the Star Wars Prequels. Not to mention the fact there things I was worried about: the Batmobile didn’t look right, and stroke victim Katie Holmes was in it. But after watching that movie I discovered two things: 

1 Batman is still amazing and can still do anything

2 Christian Nolan is probably Batman

The resulting trilogy produced three outstanding films that complement each other beautifully. However throughout the film I noticed several things that left me going “wait a minute…”

1 Batman stands up for his principles by completely betraying them


At the beginning of Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne travels to China or Nepal or where ever to learn from the League of Shadows. Which he’s told is an ancient group bent on exacting justice on the world. He’s there for what we can assume is a while. However at no point between learning to fall through ice or how to get hit by sticks while standing on poles does Bruce ever bother to ask: “Hey, so what do you guys do exactly?” When he asks what they plan to do with a murder they caught, the only response he gets is “Justice.” But doesn’t think to follow up with more questions like: “what do you mean justice? That cage he’s in is pretty small; don’t you think that’s cruel and unusual punishment?  Why are about fifty guys up in the middle of nowhere just to jail one criminal? What do you guys do again?” I guess he was late for his falling through ice class and didn’t have time to get into details. So finally its graduation day for good old Brucie and as a gift he gets to decapitate the criminal they have. 
Seriously, what did you think we've been doing all this time?
This is where we as an audience learn that Batman will be a hero who will always refuse to kill because that will make him as bad as the criminals. So to escape the people he just spent months living with and learning from, (but apparently never what it is exactly they do) he kills everyone.

Wait—what?

Yup! So against killing a murderer, Bruce throws a red hot poker into the store of gunpowder. Chaos in sues and fake Ras al Gul is dead through Bruce’s DIRECT actions. Now sure maybe some of the other people in the place managed to get out. But you can be damn sure that it wasn’t any of the guys Bruce knocked unconscious when they attacked him! So we’re looking at a body count of at least 8 or more. Oh yeah, what the hell happened to the murderer? You know; the guy who started this whole fight? The one that Bruce refused to kill because he was better than the League of Shadows? Once the fireworks start to go off, we never see him again. It’s safe to say that no one else in the league bothered to help him get out and since Bruce was too busy helping Liam Neason we can only assume that he died in the explosion. So again, as a DIRECT result of Bruce’s actions, the very person he refused to kill is now dead. Well at least you have the entire League of Shadows hating you!

2 Batman lets two criminals free


Later in Batman Begins, Batman discovers a plot to poison the city of Gotham’s water supply, ran by Scarecrow in Arkham Asylum. If you don’t know what Arkham Asylum is, go ahead and kill yourself right now, I’ll wait…

So now that everyone without purpose in life is gone I can remind you that Arkham Asylum houses the CRIMINALLY INSANE. So Batman is in this place looking to save Katie Holmes (no idea why though) when the po-po shows up. Batman’s screwed right? But you’re forgetting the first thing we learned about these movies! Batman cool as a cucumber passes off Katie to Gordon and then sneaks out the back. And by sneaking out, I obviously mean blowing a huge fucking hole out of some inmate’s cell! BLAM!

Hold up!

Batman, you know that you’re not the only one who can walk out of giant holes in walls right? Other people, like those two inmates that were sitting there watching you leave for example, could use that hole too! I know that you’re in a bind, but wasn’t there a better way of getting out of there without bringing a couple of (and I cannot stress this enough) CRIMINALLY INSANE convicts with you? Sure later on in the movie all the inmates at Arkham were let out but Batman didn’t know that at the time, and if he did he should be doing everything he can to prevent that from happening. And it’s not as if Batman didn’t notice the inmates, he even takes the time to give them a courteous salutation before he blast his way to freedom… and I guess theirs as well.

3 Batman gives the Joker some alone time with his target


The Dark Knight is about comic books’ greatest villain doing what he does best: fucking shit up! In his campaign to create chaos, the Joker says he’s going to kill three people, one of them being Harvey Dent. Now the Joker at this point has already proven that he’s not just blowing smoke, he actually delivers. And true to form, dispenses the other two people like it ain’t no thang. For Dent, the Joker even goes to the added courtesy of showing up in person to complete his hat trick. Luckily Batman’s already there (as Bruce Wayne) so he can calmly knock Dent the fuck out, stuff him in a closet, and bar the doors so he can’t get out. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, this should be the moment where I question what’s going on, seeing as how Batman shouldn’t have known that the Joker is after Dent. You know, because he was busy at a party when the police found the clues indicating who was going to be targeted and the other two were killed within minutes while Batman was, again, at that same party, begging Katie Ho- oh I guess it’s Maggie Gyllenhaal now- to have sex with him. That would seem strange, but I’m pretty sure that Batman is also a Jedi so the force must have told him.
Apparently there's a talent/attractiveness trade off to these things

Anyway, the Joker shows up and starts asking for Dent. Batman starts to put the kibosh on the Joker’s plans but then: KERBLAMO! Joker drops Maggie right out the window! Batman literally swoops in to save her, (and that bitch STILL won’t put out!) and then… nothing. Nothing else happens.

Say wha?

So Batman just leaves the Joker alone? Where Dent was? Not to mention all the other innocent people that were there, that the joker will probably threaten, beat and murder to get information out of. So what? The Joker just lost interest in his plan and went home? Did he let himself out, or did Alfred show him the way? Maybe even get him a cab? Don’t bother looking around, like in that closet which for some reason has a metal rod jammed between the handles! Eh I’m sure everything worked itself out; you know sometimes the best thing to do is do nothing.

4 Batman unleashes hell, apparently


In the final movie of the trilogy, Batman’s new foe is Bane; and as Alfred explains it he was “born and raised in hell on earth.” Now that may seem like a cute metaphor, but what Alfred is describing is the worst prison in the entire world that houses the worst criminals ever. This is where Bane comes from. It’s essentially a pit that they throw prisoners in to forget about them. This may seem like a nice anecdotal piece of backstory for Bane but the description comes in handy later when, after breaking Batman’s back, Bane leaves him there.

After a quick punch to the spine by an old man instructed by an even older doctor with a morphine addiction that doesn’t speak English (accept inexplicably later when he needs to give Batman some plot changing advice) Batman is good to go for an escape attempt. The only way out is to re-enact old school Prince of Persia and climb a wall and jump a gap. (If you’ve ever played it, then you’ll know how stupid frustrating it is!)
Pictured: Batman escaping prison

Once Batman is safely out he’s off to conquer the world! But not before he tosses a rope down to his new found buddies so they too, can get out!

Pause.

How, again, did Alfred describe this prison? “Hell on earth?” So these people would probably be pretty dangerous right? And I’ll bet they’re also pretty pissed off they were just thrown into a stone pit to die. I’ll bet they would want to get revenge on a society that just abandoned them. And seeing as how they were the WORST criminals in the world I’ll even bet that they know some pretty horrific ways to do just that!
Oh well, they won’t be in Gotham, so it’s not really Batman’s problem. Fuck you, rest of the world!
Exactly!

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Why no one would live in NYC in the Marvel Universe


“Honey, I’m home! I got bad news; I’m not going to have a job for a while.”

“What happened?”

“Apparently some aliens started attacking the city, destroyed everything.”

“So the aliens ruined the office?”

“Well I think they were aliens. They looked like aliens but then they all kinda just shut down like robots when Iron Man threw that A-bomb the army shot at the city at their mother ship! Come to think of it, the army totally just tried to wipe out the entire city! Anyway they weren’t anywhere near the office. But the Hulk came out of nowhere destroying three floors.”

“How long will it take the company to rebuild?”

“They can’t, Jim says they didn’t have Hulk insurance.”

“Oh how awful! But why did it take you so long to get home then?”

“Subway was down; apparently something happened to one of the trains,

…had to take a cab back and the traffic was terrible.”

“Oh dear, well if that wasn’t bad enough, Timmy will have to be moved schools.”

“What happened?”

“The letter from the principle says a giant lizard smashed through it. No one’s allowed back until repairs are made.”

“Man, what a day! Hey, let’s say we do something to get our minds off of it? Want to check out that new Stark Expo across town?”

“We can’t, It’s been closed down!”

“Why?”

“A bunch of robots went crazy and started shooting everything up...

...the Johnsons were there when it happened, little Becky got crushed by a robot Iron Man shot out of the sky.”

“Oh that’s a shame! And so soon after they lost both their sons! I remember how excited they were to be working as security guards on Liberty Island.”

“Yes and then they had to get stomped to death by that Toad character.”

“Actually, only Johnny got stomped; Frank Jr. got turned into a mutant by Magneto’s machine and then had his body painfully reject the process.”

“Oh that’s right.”

“I’m going to watch tv. Oh damn, the tv’s out! Honey...

...is there anything wrong with the reception?”

Monday, 9 July 2012

I hate Like


Let me just start right off by saying I HATE Facebook. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that! It just perpetrates a society of lazy mother fuckers that do nothing all day but to get up in everyone else’s business, comment on worthless stuff that no one cares about and sit around counting the number of “likes” and comments they get with their own boring useless shit they post!
Yup! This totally needed to be shared!

But perhaps what I hate the most about Facebook is that I can’t deny that it has some genuinely legitimate uses. I hate that something I loathe so much actually helps me in certain endeavours. I can stay in contact to my best friends who are all over the world. I can check in and see pictures of my family that I don’t get to see that often. It’s an efficient tool to communicate with people at my school. And it helps me promote my projects to a wider audience like this nifty blog you happen to be reading right now! (No doubt you got here by a shared link posted on Facebook.) So before you scroll down to the comment section to point out how much of a hypocrite I am; know that I’m well aware of that fact! Also there’s no need to be such a dick!

Yet still there are things about Facebook that make me want to grind my face against a cheese greater just to make sure that I’m not in a dream where everyone is a fucking retard. When you log into Facebook they have a list of things that you should “like”: products, celebrities, business etc. Let me be clear here; I am exceptionally picky about what I “like” In fact I have two: my friend’s band The Brilliance, who I think are amazing and genuinely want to see do well. And Star Wars Revisited, a guy who’s re-edited Star Wars so all the shit that George Lucas put in after he went bat-shit crazy is taken back out. 

But today Facebook suggested that I “like” Exercise. Are you fucking kidding me?? Exercise? 

First of all no one in their right fucking mind actually likes exercise! And if anyone does say they do you can punch them right in their smug fat ugly faces! Exercising is meant to be shitty! For any effect you need to push yourself past your boundaries, tear muscles, accelerate your heart beat and run out of breath. You’re hot, you sweat, and you stink. NONE of that shit is fun! 
AH! I JUST RIPPED MY ASSHOLE!!

In fact it is so unappealing, that the majority of North Americans rather stay fat than to deal with that shit! Oh sure, you’ll see people at the gym with their perfect bodies and it looks like they’re having a great time: talking to their friends, wearing their perfect matching lulu lemon outfits, drinking their filtered water that’s filtered again before it goes through the spout. But those assholes aren’t actually exercising, they’re just posing! Walking around the gym to show off how great they look so that the fatty boob-o-latties that really need to be at the gym take one look at them and want to kill themselves. It makes them feel good about themselves! Now I’m not dismissing the effort it took to get their perfect bodies; that had to come from somewhere; and good for them. But I can still hate them for it, the same way I hate rich people for having money when I don’t. Or hating Jason Schwartzman for having my career! 
Fuck you, you career stealing Dick!

The point is, is that when they finally do pick up a dumbbell just watch how quickly their face changes! Okay there are the obvious benefits of exercising: more energy, longer life expectancy, and you usually get a hot body. But that comes AFTER exercising!

Now the question is: who mediates that shit? Who’s in charge of the Facebook Exercise fan page? Is there a council of fitness clubs and magazines that all preside over the operation of the page? Do the Reps from Extreme Fitness try to filibuster the motions made by Goodlife? Or did they just decide to give the reins to Jack Lalanne?   
Still got it!

And who are these people that need to declare publicly that they are for exercise? It’s not as if staying in shape is some greatly debated sociological issue! This isn’t something like wanting to support our troops or gay marriage. No one cares if you like exercise. In fact as stated before all it shows is that you’re filthy fucking liar and you’re going to burn in hell for making the baby Jesus cry with all your filthy fucking lies! 

Facebook was created to make rich kids feel good about themselves. Then it became successful because it had some great aplications. Then it was ruined by the socially awkward, the insecure and the worthless. …and your parents! 
"He forgot to log out! Quick! Post 'I am Gay!'"

For people to be so desperate that they need to announce to the world they "like" something as mundane as Exercise in the hopes that some random stranger will talk to them because, they too, were so desperate is a sad commentary on what our society has become.

Friday, 6 July 2012

4 Reasons Charlie Bucket is an ASSHOLE!!


Watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory I realized exactly why the creators changed the title from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: because Charlie Bucket is an asshole!
We're not naming the movie after you... DICK!

Now I’m not talking about the Tim Burton film; Freddie Highmore was so god damn sweet you’d cut of your own arm and give it to him if he asked.


I’m talking about the 1971 version with Gene Wilder. You know; the one that gave you nightmares for days after watching that fucking boat ride scene!
Seriously, WTF???
Now I hear you: “How can Charlie be an asshole? He was the only kid who wouldn’t screw Wonka over with the Everlasting Gobstopper.” Sure in that one instance he shows a glimmer of decency. But there’s an entire movie that happens before that moment. A whole movie of Charlie’s dickatry!

 

1: Charlie tells his family to go fuck themselves!


So the whole world is looking for 5 golden tickets, people are losing their shit over these things. Meanwhile Charlie’s family is so piss poor that all four grandparents are forced to sleep in the same bed in the living room like some geriatric orgy.
Did anyone bring the KY jelly? Grandma Josephine is as dry as a bucket of sand! HA! Get it? BUCKET!

Yet they still scrounge their pennies to get Charlie a Wonka bar in the hopes he could get a ticket. How does Charlie thank them? By pretending to win and then bitching them out.
In fact, any time someone tries to lift Charlie’s spirits he tells them off! Like when he's talking to his mom in what looks like her second job hand washing every other person in town's clothes:

"Well in case you were wondering if it will be me, you can forget it! In case you were wondering you can count me out!" 

Woah! Relax asshole! You came to talk to me! I was just sitting here slaving away at 3am so that you won't die in a gutter! This leads to the viewer having to suffer through watching his mom take a break from making a giant batch of clothes soup to sing that god awful song!
Hey! I'm not paying you to sing! Get back to your soup!

 

2: He didn’t even try!

 

So we know Charlie went batshit crazy every time someone bought him a Wonka bar, but does he really deserve it more than others? In class he admits that during the contest he only opened two candy bars. THAT’S IT? TWO?? Just seconds before two other students said they opened a combined 250 bars. Let’s compare this contest to a race. Say you got a guy who practices every day for a whole year before the race. Then you got some schlub who did two laps around the course once but really wants to win. Who deserves to win? The guy who practiced! He put in all the time and effort into the race, he earned that right! Charlie doesn’t deserve to win because he didn’t put the effort others did! Hell, even that woman wouldn’t give up her Wonka bars to save her husband!

My husband over a case of chocolate? Fuck THAT noise!!

 

3: No consideration for the well-being of his family!

 

So Charlie eventually wins the last golden ticket (after only opening three god damn bars) and races home to his family. He finds out that he gets to take a guest and asks his Grandpa Joe to come. Now this may seem like a sweet gesture but let’s put this in perspective. First of all; sorry about your luck rest of the family! Guess you’ll just have to continue dying in your own filth!
Asshole!!

Oh and you too mom! I know you work all day and night to support everyone in the house and it might be nice for just one day to do something special but fuck that!

Second how long has Grandpa Joe been in that bed for? According to the movie it’s been about 20 years! For Charlie’s entire life all he’s known of his Grandpa is that he’s bed ridden. How does he know if Grandpa can even walk again? He would have horrible muscle atrophy, not to mention the worst bedsores in the world!
Blowjobs solve all the world’s problems!

Okay let’s say that Grandpa Joe is able to stand; is it really a good idea to spend the first day after 20 years of being in bed walking around all day? Even Mike Teevee’s mom was complaining about the length of the tour and she’s probably at least 20 years younger than Grandpa Joe! What seems like a sweet request is actually completely reckless when you think about the reality.

 

4: He’s no better than the other kids!

 

Think about the movie for a second, go ahead. What were the reactions from the other kids every time one of them gets bumped off? Pretty neutral right? In fact it doesn’t look like they care one way or another what happens does it? And not only is Charlie right there with them but he’s making FUN of them for being so stupid! At point he and Grandpa Joe are calling Violet a nitwit when she’s blowing up!
What a dumbass!

Then when Willy Wonka has his back turned what does Charlie do? STEAL the Fizzy Lifting Drink even though Wonka said it wasn’t ready. Wait a minute! Didn’t you JUST make fun of someone else for not listening to Wonka and eating something that’s not ready?? You remember;
This bitch?
But perhaps the biggest dick move that Charlie makes is when Mike Teevee gets his.  Mike Teevee is sent through radio waves by the Wonkavision camera. Naturally his mother is distraught at the fact her son has been broken down into particles by an experimental piece of technology that’s never been used on humans. But that doesn’t stop Charlie from being the hugest douche to her! When she asks what’s taking so long to get her son back, Charlie says in his best dick voice:

“A million pieces take a long time to put together!”

 Wow! 
Fuck you kid!
Then at the end he has the audacity to demand the grand prize! Why does he deserve it? Cause he was the last kid standing? Cause the other kids got into situations they couldn't belch and fart their way out of?

The fact of the matter is Charlie didn't do anything special that would make him deserving of a happy ending. Sure, he gave back the Everlasting Gobstopper, but how do we know any of the other kids wouldn't have either? They got eliminated before ever given the chance to have a change of heart. Charlie's only special because he broke the rules when no one was looking rather than when everyone was looking. Maybe if Wonka was there, he'd just stand around watching Charlie and Grandpa Joe get chopped up the blades. And then maybe Charlie would have his own Ommpa Lommpa song.
Quick! What rhymes with: brain splatter?